


holding hands for eternity

by mixtape1



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Fluff, M/M, a lot of it, hand holding, i forgot to tag that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-17 19:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19961338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixtape1/pseuds/mixtape1
Summary: seungmin makes discoveries with hyunjin through the years.times get tough, there is a rift but in the end - there's always routine.(or. the one where seungmin and hyunjin hold hands a lot.)(or. or. the five times seungmin held hyunjin's hand and the one time it was the other way around.)





	holding hands for eternity

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this bc of [this](https://twitter.com/lovlixie/status/1152385387676893185?s=20) update from [this](https://twitter.com/lovlixie/status/1135407337861046274?s=20) au and yeah :/ didnt mean to vomit out 8k but it happened anyway

**_one._**  
seungmin is five years old when he gets a new neighbour. 

being young, he doesn’t remember what his old one was like, only knowing they’d moved away because their daughter wanted to go to a high school hours away. 

“seungmin, let’s go greet the hwang’s!” his mother smiles brightly as she grabs his hand and swings their arms as they walk the short distance to the house next door.

when seungmin looks up, he sees that his mum is carrying a box in her free hand. probably cakes? 

his mum can bake really nice treats, and usually, he’s her test subject.

everything she makes tastes good though, so the hwang’s (he remembers their name!) will surely love whatever is in the tupperware. 

seungmin is five, when he makes his first friend ever. 

“mrs. kim! a pleasure to meet you - oh this... you didn’t have to! thank you so much.” seungmin hears the gentle voice of the lady who opened the door but can’t see her face. 

he trails his eyes from her vague figure, and down to where he spots someone he can actually see. 

the boy is standing behind mrs. hwang’s back, and he’s _tall_. 

or maybe seungmin is just short.

either way, they make eye contact and the boy flinches back.

“oh, this is my son - hyunjin! he turned six recently.” the lady bends down and seungmin can finally make out what she looks like. she’s pretty - not prettier than his mum though. “come on dear, say hi to our new neighbour.” 

she lightly nudges the boy - hyunjin, and suddenly they’re face to face. 

“hello…” the boy greets, polite but clearly intimidated. 

“hyung?” seungmin asks, head tilted to the side because when people are taller than him, it means they’re older. 

and six is bigger than five. 

his mum chuckles and ruffles his hair. 

he loves it when she ruffles his hair. 

“no silly, you boys are the same age.”

at this, seungmin lights up. 

“we’re friends then!” he enthusiastically says, hand reaching out to hyunjin. 

seungmin is five, and doesn’t know that hand holding is not the proper way to greet somebody. 

and hyunjin is six, _and_ he’s shy but the hand looks warm and inviting.

so he takes it. 

seungmin is five when he holds someone’s hand in his for the first time, since it’s always the other way around and he makes a vow to do it whenever he’s with hyunjin.

because seungmin sees the way he visibly relaxes and offers a smile in return. 

it makes his day. 

“friends?” he asks, when they’re still holding hands at the playground nearby. 

his mum had taken them there, promising mrs. hwang that she’d return her son in one piece.

the pretty lady had only laughed and thanked his mum for taking hyunjin out as she returned to unpacking. 

they’re standing at the top of the platform, right where the slide begins. it’s a big slide, with a short barrier separating it such that two people can go at once.

seungmin never had anyone to go on it with. 

until today. 

hyunjin stays silent for 22 seconds (he counted) before nodding. 

“friends.” 

interlocking their fingers, seungmin grins, and they go down together. 

seungmin is five when he learns what it means to be happy because of a friend. 

* * *

**_two._**  
seungmin is nine when he learns that two boys shouldn’t be holding hands in public. 

hyunjin and him are walking to school, and seungmin is swaying their arms back and forth slightly at the idea of starting their fourth year of elementary school.

“are you excited?” seungmin asks, having to tilt his neck up slightly as hyunjiin has grown taller _again_. 

the way hyunjin’s face goes through about fifty different expressions before settling on a slight smile makes seungmin laugh. 

“yeah, i am!” he lies right through his teeth. 

squeezing his hand, seungmin bumps their shoulders together. “you don’t have to lie to me, we’re best friends.” 

the facade drops immediately. 

sighing, hyunjin squeezes his hand back. 

“this is going to _suck_ ,” he complains, and seungmin nods in understanding - their holiday was way too short. “i’m glad you’re here with me though.”

this time, when hyunjin’s lip curl upwards, it’s genuine. 

before he finds out about the hand holding thing, seungmin is nine and realizes that he adores hyunjin’s smile. 

which is why, the two bullies who cut him off as he’s about to reply to hyunjin make his blood boil. 

“hey! look! it’s the _gays_.” somebody from behind them shouts, attracting the attention of a few other kids walking the same path to school. 

he notes two reactions at once. 

the first is hyunjin pulling his hand away like he’d just been scalded. 

the second is the way a pained expression makes its way to his face at the same time. 

(there’s a third - and it’s the feeling of his heart shattering.)

seungmin stops in his tracks, turns around and grits his teeth. 

of course it’s shin yongsun. he had been notorious for constantly injuring kids grades below on ‘accident’ during play time. looks like they’re his victims now. 

“what do you want?” seungmin glares, crossing his arms in the middle of the pavement. 

he feels hyunjin tug at his shirt while shaking his head and seungmin is torn between listening to his best friend and giving this fifth grader a piece of his mind. 

“i want you to stop acting _gay_ , with hwang over there.” yongsun snickers, and his friend - minjun laughs along. 

it’s not funny. 

“shut up, we’ll do whatever _we_ want - ugly.” 

a roar echoes through the air of early march and before seungmin can process what’s happening, yongsun is charging at him and he sees stars as the world turns dark. 

seungmin is nine when he learns that being ‘ _gay_ ’ causes you to get hurt. 

he also learns holding hyunjin’s hand is an example of that. 

except that doesn’t stop him. 

five minutes (maybe more, maybe less) after he had blacked out, seungmin opens his eyes again to see hyunjin, albeit blurry, leaning over him eyes wide with worry and tears. 

the first thing he thinks about is how his hand feels incredibly empty. 

so he does the most reasonable and logical action he can think of in his dizzy and throbbing state of mind. 

with eyes never once leaving hyunjin’s face, he blindly searches for his hand and holds it.

seungmin interlocks their fingers, grinning at the familiar sensation even though his head _really_ hurts and hyunjin’s tears taste salty. 

it provides him with comfort - hyunjin’s hand in his. 

he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t yell, he doesn’t do anything other than lay on the ground, holding onto hyunjin’s hand like it’s his life line. 

hyunjin is still in hysterics, kneeling beside seungmin and rambling on and on about something seungmin can’t process but he nods along anyway. 

his mum comes, face dark with anger and both of them end up staying home. 

yongsun doesn’t appear in school after that. 

seungmin is nine when he learns that hyunjin had beat someone up for him, despite never being the type to harm even a fly. 

he is also nine when he learns that he never wants to let go of hyunjin’s hand, even if everybody around him tells him to. 

* * *

**_three._**  
seungmin is fourteen when he finds out what it means to have a crush. 

hyunjin is crying, seungmin’s mind helpfully supplies as he stands outside his bathroom.

his mother had called him, telling him that hyunjin wouldn’t be going to school and seungmin nodded (even though she couldn’t see him) and informed her that he’d be coming over with his worksheets after school.

so here he is - after school, at hyunjin’s house, worksheets already placed neatly on the desk in his room. 

“hyunjin?” seungmin knocks on the door, knowing he can just walk in and knowing hyunjin wouldn’t mind. 

“can i come in?” he asks anyway. 

“seungmin?” he hears hyunjin’s quiet voice, hoarse from crying. 

he resists the urge to roll his eyes, because _who_ else would it be? 

instead, he softens his voice and replies, “yeah.” 

the door opens - he hadn’t locked it, and hyunjin immediately clings onto seungmin, causing him to stumble back. 

he smiles after regaining his balance. 

“what’s wrong?” he asks while gently patting his best friend’s back. 

honestly, there’s a list of reasons why he could be crying, but judging by the way hyunjin’s skipping on the day he has club activities - it’s pretty obvious. 

“i’m just so - _ugh_!” hyunjin rests his chin on seungmin’s shoulder and groans. 

“yeah?” seungmin softly prompts, knowing that there are days hyunjin just wants to rant endlessly and he’s always there to listen. 

he never minds, no matter how much hyunjin apologizes after for ‘wasting’ his time. it’s fine because seungmin loves his voice, and he loves the way their hands fit together. 

as usual, hyunjin pulls them both towards his bed and they sit on it. the mattress sinks down slightly at their weights and he thinks about a joke but doesn’t say it. 

maybe next time, when hyunjin isn’t about to break down. 

seungmin reaches for hyunjin’s hand yet again when he pulls it away to settle into a more comfortable position. 

this is routine. 

their fingers automatically intertwine and seungmin can’t help but smile. 

“okay, okay. i’m ready.” hyunjin says, squeezing seungmin’s hand. 

he nods, sitting up straight. 

“i’m so annoyed, seungmin. no, i’m _beyond_ annoyed. i can _not_ believe they decided to pick jisung as midfielder when i’m clearly the one with better skills!” hyunjin huffs, running a hand through his messy and long hair. 

“that’s terrible,” seungmin agrees, despite not knowing a single thing about soccer. he’s more of a baseball person. “do you think they’ll reconsider before competition season?”

then, hyunjin’s hand shakes a little and his lip trembles. 

seungmin feels his gaze soften and he pulls hyunjin into a hug. 

aside from initiating hand holding, seungmin has never gone as far as to give hyunjin hugs before. that’s probably why hyunjin lets out a choked sob and whines into seungmin’s shoulder. 

their hands are still together, and seungmin runs his free hand through hyunjin’s hair because he knows it calms him down. 

“i’m so _mad_ , i work so hard only to get the position i have no interest in! i hate this shit.” hyunjin groans, still sobbing and his voice is muffled by seungmin’s shirt. 

although he’s comforted hyunjin when he was crying tears of sadness on many occasions, it’s rare to see hyunjin cry out of frustration. 

“and like - han jisung really isn’t even that good at soccer! is he the one who goes early in the morning to practice? no! _it’s me_.” 

but seungmin gets it. 

he knows why hyunjin is sad, angry and tired. 

as his best friend, he’s seen the way he goes out early every morning - even before the sun has risen to practice. 

even after seungmin stopped going for baseball practice in the morning, and then completely when he couldn’t play anymore, he still wakes up slightly earlier to see hyunjin off. 

not only in the mornings, hyunjin stays back after classes everyday just to practice his passes and kicks. it’s admirable. 

seungmin knows, because he’s stayed back with hyunjin every evening, watching the amount of hard work he puts in. and on certain days, he’d help by acting like the goalie. 

(though it probably doesn’t amount to much, as seungmin notices how hyunjin’s kicks are obviously lighter when scoring with him standing there.) 

the tears he’s shedding because of the position he’s been given is in total fairness and seungmin recalls the soccer club advisor being his physical education teacher.

maybe he’ll be able to put in a good word for hyunjin. 

“ _seungmin_ ,” hyunjin mumbles, squeezing his hand again. “i know mr. park is your pe teacher, so you better not be thinking about anything funny.” 

oops. he got caught. 

when seungmin doesn’t respond, hyunjin detaches himself from his shoulder and frowns. 

“promise me.” 

you see, hyunjin is fifteen - having recently had his birthday, and seungmin is fourteen. 

seungmin is fourteen when he finally realizes how puberty is hitting hyunjin. 

like how his voice is getting deeper, even when it’s constantly cracking as he cries, and he sees the way he’s getting taller (it’s obvious) and seungmin also sees the way hyunjin gets more stares from girls when they walk in the hallway together. 

that’s why seungmin shouldn’t be surprised when his heart skips a beat as hyunjin maintains eye contact, despite looking like a mess, and whispers those words. 

except he _is_ , because hwang hyunjin is his best friend and he’s not supposed to have feelings for his best friend.

it’s just because he’s growing up, seungmin tells himself, brain malfunctioning for a slight second. 

(he ignores the part of his brain that reminds him he’s growing up too.) 

“seungmin?” hyunjin’s nasally voice brings him back to reality and seungmin does _not_ blush.

the blood rushing to his cheeks is a result of not replying immediately and getting lost in his thoughts. 

“okay, fine. _promise_.” seungmin’s mind works again and he ignores the throb in his heart when hyunjin lets go of his hand to stick his pinky out.

(they could’ve used their other hands, his thoughts - once again, bitterly barge in.) 

they lock pinkies and when that causes a similar twinge in his heart, seungmin thinks, _alright_. maybe he likes hyunjin a little. 

but it should be normal. 

it happens, right?

(wrong.)

after an hour of seesawing between denying and accepting, he comes to a final consensus when he’s leaving hyunjin’s house. 

as seungmin stands at the doorway, putting on his shoes, they interlock fingers once more - literally for no reason other than because they want to. 

seungmin looks up when he’s done and his heart does this scary thing where it _possibly leaps_. 

because hyunjin is just _staring_ and _grinning_ at him, holding onto his hand like it’s the most precious jewel ever and seungmin is - he is _gone_. 

hyunjin really - _definitely_ , takes the cake when he reaches his right hand out and ruffles seungmin’s hair. 

the last time anybody ruffled his hair was on the last day of elementary school, and his mum had done it to congratulate him for making it out alive. 

he’d always liked his mum’s ruffles, but maybe - hyunjin’s will replace hers at first place.

so yeah. seungmin blushes, squeezes hyunjin’s hand and then waves him goodbye. 

as he walks away, he does the fist motion, and mouths a word of encouragement - because hyunjin deserves it. 

the smile he gets in return is blinding. 

his heart does the thing again, and seungmin is afraid it’ll fall out at this rate. 

he returns the smile, though not as bright and when his older brothers pester him about why his ears are so red and why he’s in such an obviously good mood, he ignores them. 

seungmin is fourteen when he realizes his best friend’s smile is one of his favourite things. 

he’s also fourteen when he breaks a promise for the first time in his life, but tells himself it’s all worth it as hyunjin cries tears of joy the next day about how he’s been appointed midfielder after reconsideration from mr. park. 

seungmin is fourteen, and willing to do anything for his crush because his happiness makes him warmer than the hottest day in summer. 

* * *

**_four._**  
seungmin is eighteen when he experiences his first ever heartbreak. 

they’re in their last year of high school, and for some reason hyunjin thinks it’s an excellent idea to get into a relationship when they’re so busy with examinations coming up. 

here’s how the story goes: a cute girl (bae jangmi, he later finds out) is in the same class as hyunjin. he sits in front of her, and his height is a problem. they talk, and it blossoms into something more. the next time seungmin visits hyunjin for lunch, he gets brushed off for this girl who admittedly, is pretty and she seems fairly nice too. seungmin smiles, in understanding, because he’s hyunjin’s best friend and goes to the roof to eat alone.

seungmin does not cry. 

but his throat is incredibly dry. 

and his heart hurts in a way he cannot explain with words. 

it’s okay though, as long as hyunjin is happy he doesn’t mind eating lunch alone. 

again, and then again. 

and suddenly it’s been two weeks since they’ve even _seen_ each other, despite being neighbours. 

seungmin is busy with after school classes, and hyunjin is busy with his girlfriend. 

pretty reasonable. 

at least that’s what he tells himself, when he ends up sitting alone again on a chilly november afternoon, wishing he had someone’s hand to hold. 

(except it can’t be just _someone_ , it has to be hyunjin.)

it takes him two weeks before he cries into his food. 

he hates how there’s no warning; one moment he’s thinking about _nothing_ and the next there are tears and his nose is running and his throat is in _pain_. 

seungmin isn’t much of a crier, hyunjin does it enough for both of them so he doesn’t know what to do. he sits there, lunch forgotten as he curls up into himself and sobs endlessly. 

there is no hand to hold, seungmin realizes. 

and he cries even harder. 

han jisung - the same jisung who had stolen hyunjin’s midfielder position in middle school, finds him when he doesn’t attend class after lunch. 

“dude! your eyes are red, are you okay?” he asks, squatting down until they’re eye to eye (although not really since he’s shorter) and seungmin lets out a noise that sounds disgustingly like a whine. 

even hyunjin hasn’t seen that side of him. 

or at least, not since they were kids. 

jisung does not dig deeper when seungmin obviously lies and dumps his lunch into the trash can on the way out of the roof. 

“how did you find me there?” he quietly mumbles out after he’s had a drink (or many) from the water cooler. 

“i asked hyunjin.” comes the immediate reply, and seungmin might cry again. 

“oh.” 

“he told me you guys would go to the roof a lot for lunch.” 

that elaboration was unnecessary. 

“cool.” seungmin _really_ wants to be happy that hyunjin still remembers their place, but it’s not that hard to forget either so he slaps himself (scaring jisung) for thinking like a fool. 

there’s nothing to be happy about. 

“let’s go to class, thanks for looking for me.” seungmin says, as he’s already walking back. he doesn’t let it show that he wished hyunjin was the one who had found him instead. 

he doesn’t let it show that it hurt, knowing hyunjin didn’t care when he was informed that seungmin wasn’t in class. 

and seungmin is eighteen when it feels like the world is against him, as he constantly sees hyunjin with jangmi around school after that. 

it also feels that way when on a certain day in december, hyunjin finally remembers he exists. 

but in and for the worst way possible. 

hyunjin is _crying_ , when seungmin opens his front door. 

he’s crying and shivering when seungmin lets him in even though there are warning bells going off in his head. 

they haven’t acknowledged each other’s presence for an entire month and more. 

it’s terrifying, how easy it is to forget about someone. and it’s equally terrifying how easy it is to miss someone and to let them back in. 

they never addressed the distance that grew between them but when they’re seated on the floor of seungmin’s room, there’s no time for that.

instead, they fall back into the routine of seungmin comforting hyunjin - ignoring the way his heart painfully throbs, and hyunjin being comforted. 

without a word, seungmin reaches his hand out. 

it hurts. 

yet when hyunjin takes it, and when seungmin interlocks their fingers, it feels as warm as ever. 

routine.

although he didn’t ask, hyunjin explains what happened anyway. 

to nobody’s surprise, jangmi and him had broken up. 

and as evidently shown, hyunjin is devastated. 

when he looks at his best friend (?) who’s so obviously in pieces, seungmin can’t bear to leave him alone. 

even after all that’s been done to him. 

“it’s her loss.” seungmin offers, hugging hyunjin as painful as it might be. this isn’t about him anyway, it’s about hyunjin. 

he rubs circles on hyunjin’s hand, knowing it’ll help and moves to play with his hair (he had cut it some time after they started ignoring each other - it looks good). they sit like that in silence, and despite everything it remains as comfortable as it’s always been. 

seungmin kind of wants to ask - what happened and why. because hyunjin is amazing, in so many ways he can’t understand how anyone would _choose_ to let him go like that. 

but fearing that he’ll only get disappointed by his answer, seungmin refrains from speaking any further and hums a song they both like.

“seungmin,” hyunjin says, voice cracking. “sing.” 

it’s been a long time since he’s actually sang anything in front of anyone. 

mainly because the only audience he’s comfortable with wasn’t around. 

debating whether he should or shouldn’t, seungmin thinks _fuck it_ , and sings ‘stiches’ for hyunjin. 

that song has always been a favourite. 

“i love your voice.” hyunjin randomly blurts out, when the song ends and seungmin’s face turns red instantly. 

which is extremely pathetic, since he told himself he’d stop reacting to hyunjin but look at him now - being a complete and utter mess just from one sentence. 

“i’m the only one who sings for you, you can’t really compare it to anyone else.” seungmin points out, determined to keep the focus away from him.

hyunjin smiles at their intertwined hands sadly and he thinks, now he’s gone and done it. 

that’s the same smile he had been given when he stood outside his door.

it’s the same smile he had been given when hyunjin told seungmin he broke up with jangmi. 

of course it is. 

“jangmi used to sing for me too.” 

the amount of self control it takes to keep himself completely still when hyunjin admits that is startling, even to himself. 

“that’s... nice.”

 _no it isn’t_ , his mind bites back.

“yeah, but-” hyunjin sighs. his eyes are starting to grow misty again and seungmin frowns. jangmi has that effect on hyunjin that mirrors how seungmin gets whenever he thinks about him.

they’re so similar - the expressions, the sighs, the hopeless feeling. 

“but whenever she did, i could only think about how much i missed your voice.” 

pause. 

seungmin squeezes his hand, to assure himself he’d heard right and that everything is not a dream. 

“sorry, that’s probably a weird thing to say - jangmi always complains that i talk about you too much on dates.” hyunjin chuckles, except both of them know he’s not feeling an ounce of happiness. 

then, he taps his index finger on their intertwined hands and quietly whispers, “it’s the reason why she called it off.” 

seungmin can’t believe his ears. 

he knows his eyes are wide, his mouth hanging open in shock and if you look closer you can probably see the way the cogs in his head turn. 

“um- _sorry_?” is what he ends up replying with, quite intelligently. 

seungmin is eighteen when he receives his first ever heartbreak, and it’s also the age he lets himself get his hopes up. 

“it’s not your fault.” hyunjin says, soft and gentle even though he already knows that. it shouldn’t be his fault jangmi got jealous of _seungmin_ of all people. 

the whole ordeal makes him want to laugh so he does. 

hyunjin just gapes at him, before he starts giggling too and they sway their arms as they burst into fits of giggles. 

“you know,” he begins again, bringing their hands up to his face and seungmin’s mind _races_. “i wasn’t crying because of jangmi.” 

when he kisses the back of seungmin’s hand, a thousand and one things happen. 

his heart, firstly, explodes. 

and then his face starts to burn, his ears turning hotter and hotter and god- there is no way any of this is happening. 

“it was because of you.”

seungmin can’t bear to face hyunjin, whose eyes are red from crying but still manage to look incredibly sincere. 

neither can he bear to think about how all of this could just be hyunjin making seungmin a rebound so he unwillingly lets go of his hand and breathes out. 

immediately, hyunjin stands up and seungmin reaches out to grab his arm.

“stay, we need to talk.” 

it’s a surprise he even managed to keep his voice steady. 

hyunjin holds an expression seungmin can only describe as ‘i want to leave now but i can’t’. he feels a little bad for keeping him, knowing hyunjin isn’t the best at confrontations but they need to discuss everything that’s happened between them. 

“please?” seungmin quietly asks, because he can’t let things end this way. 

_because_ seungmin is eighteen when he truly realizes what fear feels like and he’s eighteen when he realizes he wouldn’t mind going through it for hyunjin.

his best friend (?) lets out a frustrated noise and sits back down. they’re both uncomfortable, seungmin notes the space between them. 

“what should we talk about?” hyunjin is the most infuriating person alive in that moment, seungmin decides. 

“don’t tell me you’re seriously pretending what happened just minutes ago was all part of our imagination.” 

when hyunjin flinches, he feels guilty for snapping. however, seungmin isn’t here to play games. 

“yeah, no, i’m sorry.” hyunjin apologizes anyway, because he’s kind. “i meant every word i said.” 

seungmin exhales a sigh of relief he didn’t know he had stored. 

“we still need to talk about how we ignored each other for months.” seungmin bites back the urge to say, ‘how _you_ ignored _me_ ’ since it’s not entirely hyunjin’s fault. 

“i’ll... i’ll start from when jangmi first transferred to my class then. i don’t think i ever told you how and why we ever started dating.” 

of all things, that is the top few he would rather die than have to hear. 

but if an explanation is buried deep inside their oh, so mighty dating history, seungmin has no choice but to sit through the ache in his heart. 

luckily for him, hyunjin skips the parts that are too awkward to say, though it still makes him bitter as he stutters through them, face slightly red. 

then, information that interests him pops up and seungmin finds himself leaning closer. 

“honestly, _seriously_ \- i didn’t mean to ignore you like that. it’s just... i never had a girlfriend before and jangmi always wanted to eat lunch together and i _did_ feel bad because seungmin, at that point i _rarely_ saw you around except during our breaks but she insisted and i’m… bad at saying no.” 

that causes him to laugh, despite everything. hyunjin will always be hyunjin. 

“and then one day - han jisung, of all people, came running into class eyes wide and i thought what’s this idiot doing here but he said you were missing and - you should’ve seen the _panic_ on my face. everybody wouldn’t stop teasing me about it and when i told jisung where you might be i considered going instead but then-” hyunjin pauses, and seungmin almost clicks his tongue. 

“i was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me.” hyunjin admits, playing with his fingers. 

_that’s so stupid_ , seungmin thinks. 

“you don’t know how wrong you were, hyunjin.” 

seungmin wants to hold his hand again. even though he’s supposed to be mad, he really misses the warmth of hyunjin’s hand in his. 

and it’s cold. 

he bites his lip, considering his options. would it be too much to say he was crying because of hyunjin on the roof? 

_not yet_ , his mind supplies. 

okay. that’s fine too.

so he doesn’t elaborate, waiting for hyunjin to continue. 

“i know! we’re best friends, i _know_. i knew and yet i didn’t go because i was a _coward_ and i was scared and i should’ve said something earlier. i never should’ve drifted away from you like that because those two months were _hell_ , even if i had a jangmi.” 

his brain processes the ‘a jangmi’ first and he snorts. 

the rest of his words get absorbed and seungmin urges hyunjin to go on. he doesn’t know how to respond yet. 

“jangmi is- was, my girlfriend.” seungmin nods, he gets it they dated. she managed to date hyunjin, good for her! can he stop bringing her up now? 

god, he’s so fucking whiny. 

“but you’re my everything.” 

never mind, they can go back to jangmi. 

the words cause his breath to hitch and hyunjin _needs_ to stop throwing curveballs at him. or maybe seungmin needs to grow a brain because he should’ve known something like that was coming. 

did he? 

seungmin’s mind is positively empty as he stares at hyunjin again. a hand touches his cheek and seungmin flinches. 

it’s cold. 

“seungmin?” 

“can i hold your hand?” seungmin suddenly says, like a complete fool because he can’t process anything properly anymore. 

hyunjin is patient, and he lets seungmin intertwine their fingers once more. he watches in proper wonder as his hand immediately grows warm. 

“what does that mean?” seungmin asks, when he’s functioning properly again. 

it’s infuriating- hyunjin is _so_ annoying with his pretty smile and soft hair and kind heart and just _everything_ about his best friend(!) makes seungmin want to scream. 

“it means, i’ve been in love with you the whole time but chose to ignore those feelings because i never thought you’d feel the same.” 

seungmin stays silent. 

mostly due to the fact that he’s shocked but also because he doesn’t know what to say. he doesn’t know what’s going to happen next and it scares seungmin. 

the unknown. 

“what makes you think i feel the same way you do?” 

of all the ways he could’ve responded with, seungmin cringes at how badly phrased his question is. 

hopefully hyunjin doesn’t get the wrong idea, since he made the correct assumption. 

in fact, he’s so _right_ it makes seungmin wonder if his crush had really been that obvious. 

“because you’re here. because you never _left_ , despite everything that’s happened between us. because i can see the way you never want to let go whenever we hold hands and it may sound like i’m assuming things but the expression you make is one i’m all too familiar with.” hyunjin rambles on, and seungmin can’t seem to make eye contact. 

“the expression you make mirrors mine when _i_ think about how i want to hold your hand for hours, days and _years_ even.” 

instinctively, seungmin squeezes his hand again. 

it’s all or nothing at this point. 

“you- you’re right.” 

“right about what?” hyunjin teases, causing seungmin to furrow his eyebrows at the floor. stupid hyunjin. 

he debates brushing the whole thing off - there’s still time to do so but seungmin is tired of running away. 

so he finally turns his head and _looks_ at hyunjin in the eyes. 

they’re sparkling, shining - _everything_ and seungmin has missed them - _hyunjin_ , so damn much. 

“i like you.” 

hyunjin’s eyes immediately turn into crescents and seungmin is _soft, soft, soft_. 

“i like you too,” seungmin feels a tug and his hand is back on hyunjin’s lips. “thank you.” he smiles against seungmin’s hand and it hurts. 

this time though, his heart hurts in a good way. 

seungmin is eighteen, when he has an idea of what _love_ means. 

seungmin is eighteen when he finds out the reason hyunjin had been crying after being dumped was because he was desperate to see him. 

and seungmin is eighteen when he celebrates christmas for the first time with his boyfriend. 

* * *

**_five_**.  
seungmin is twenty when he has his first kiss. 

the day goes by fine, and unsuspecting as his fridays usually are. 

fridays happen to be movie night, and hyunjin and him had decided to refer to it as such when they found out they ended early on fridays. 

that was the only day their schedule had matched, and the most they could see each other was for an hour in school.

it didn’t help that their buildings were on the _opposite_ ends of the school either. 

anyway, they managed to make it work and now have a nice little routine for themselves. 

seungmin always smiles faintly whenever they accidentally cross paths and hyunjin’s hand brushes against his as they greet each other in passing. 

fridays though, definitely remain the best day of the week. 

so it’s friday, and seungmin gets the ever pleasant surprise of hyunjin waiting outside his lecture hall when his english lecture is over. 

“hey.” hyunjin coolly says, pushing himself off the wall he’d been leaning on. 

who on earth is he trying to look all tough for? 

“hey yourself, you’re ridiculous.” seungmin snorts, slapping hyunjin’s arm. 

immediately hyunjin laughs and seungmin has to resist the very strong urge of wanting to hold his hand. 

he’ll never get over how cute his boyfriend (!) is. 

“bye felix!” he turns around and calls out to his friend who is watching them with such a fond look on his face it causes his own to heat up. 

“see you on monday seungmin, enjoy your date!” felix grins, waving back. 

hyunjin smiles and waves too, before bringing his attention back to seungmin. 

“what are we watching today?” he asks, and seungmin rolls his eyes. 

they had agreed to keep their movies a secret until they actually started playing on their small but not too small television. 

“you know i’m not telling.” 

huffing, hyunjin wraps an arm around seungmin’s waist and it’s almost pathetic how it still makes his heart jump. 

“ _tell me_.” he whines, pushing his weight onto seungmin. 

“we’re almost home, suck it up.” seungmin pushes back, and they giggle like they’re in middle school all over again. 

(if the word ‘home’ causes both of them to blush, they don’t mention it.)

when they’re back in the apartment they decided to rent out on a whim, seungmin automatically rearranges their shoes before stepping in while hyunjin is already inside the kitchen, brewing tea. 

the whole thing is so domestic it makes seungmin want to throw up - in a good way. 

they take turns to shower, since they only have a single bathroom and by the time hyunjin is out (because he cheated and _ran_ inside first), there’s chinese takeout on their coffee table. 

“don’t touch the food until i’m out.” seungmin warns, eyeing it. hyunjin wouldn’t do it, but he has difficulty believing anyone ever since changbin ate all of his fried rice the last time he came over while he was in the shower.

“you already know i’ll wait, come back soon though,” hyunjin turns around, towel still on his wet head and grins. “my hand misses yours.”

waving his hand, seungmin waves _his_ in return because they’re _both_ ridiculous and in love it’s sickening. 

in the shower, seungmin nearly knocks himself out. 

_god_ , he loves hyunjin so much. 

he loves him.

he’s literally in love with him and yet- 

_and yet_ , they haven’t kissed. 

it’s embarrassing to even wonder about, but it’s been close to two years. the most intimate they get is whenever they’re in bed together, cuddling. 

there are also the constant hugs hyunjin initiates, and the skinship because he needs to touch seungmin at _all_ times apparently. 

(hyunjin’s words.) 

they still haven’t kissed though. 

this fact shouldn’t bother seungmin but it _does_. 

because whenever hyunjin bites his lip when he’s thinking hard whilst working on a project, or whenever he plays with his lips as he’s watching a new drama - it drives seungmin _insane_. 

as much as he’d like to be the one to initiate the kiss, he’s never had his lips on anyone before. 

there’s no way he’s going to make his first kiss with hyunjin and his first kiss in his entire _life_ , embarrassing and inexperienced. 

but seungmin isn’t going to ask felix or whatever to practice with him because _then_ , his first wouldn’t be with hyunjin anymore and it’s stressing him out so much. 

he’s even tried practicing with his fucking _arm_ and he got so red after, seungmin wanted to die. 

operation kiss hyunjin is definitely still in the works but again, it’s almost been _two_ years. he wants to kiss his boyfriend so bad. 

unfortunately, his pride is annoying as hell. 

“ugh.” seungmin groans into the water and washes himself clean. 

they’ll just have to stick with the same old cuddle on the couch and hold hands routine. 

not that any of that is bad, since hand holding is their thing. and cuddling always makes him feel fuzzy inside. 

_still_ \- a kiss, or two would be nice. 

seungmin turns the temperature all the way to the lowest setting and the cold shocks him out of his stupid and yearning thoughts. 

it’ll happen when it happens. 

so seungmin is twenty when he finds out how impatient he is. 

they’re finally on the couch, together, and the movie seungmin had picked - _wreck it ralph 2_ is starting. 

“i can’t believe you chose this movie.” hyunjin complains, slurping his wanton noodles gracefully. it’s quite disgusting, but not enough for seungmin to care. 

“it’s not my fault you’re tasteless and haven’t watched the first one which may i remind you - was because you decided to cancel on me because of soccer practice, on a _saturday_?” 

he’s not bitter about that anymore. 

it’s been _years_ , after all. 

“oh my god seungmin, how many times have i apologized for that?” hyunjin fakes exasperation but his acting sucks so he ends up laughing instead. 

“none, if memory serves me right but whatever. good luck trying to understand what happens in this.” 

“you’re so petty, i swear.” hyunjin is trying to insult him, but really, it sounds so fond it makes seungmin break out into a tiny smile. 

slinging an arm around his shoulder, hyunjin pulls seungmin closer, almost causing him to spill his dinner. 

“be careful!” his nasally voice echoes in their apartment and it makes him cringe. 

laughing, hyunjin buries his face into seungmin’s hair and his heart soars at how he can feel his grin. 

the movie finally starts, and seungmin leans forward - just a little, as he’s been dying to watch the sequel ever since it had been announced.

when it was showing in the cinema, hyunjin was too busy with group projects to go with him, and seungmin hadn’t wanted to bother his fairly new friend (felix) at that time. 

he’s definitely going to keep his eyes glued to the screen until the very end. 

halfway through the movie, he finishes his dinner and sets the empty box down on the table and reaches for hyunjin’s hand now that he can on instinct. 

as soon as seungmin interlocks their fingers, an explosion unexpectedly occurs on screen and he squeezes hyunjin’s hand. 

“sorry.” he whispers, eyes focused on whatever’s happening in the movie and hyunjin merely squeezes his hand back. 

it’s only when the credits are rolling does seungmin finally realize that hyunjin had been staring at him the whole two long hours. 

“doesn’t your neck hurt?” he asks, poking hyunjin’s nose. 

his head had been laying on his shoulder the whole time, and it’s amazing how seungmin didn’t even see. 

“yeah, but my heart hurts more seeing how cute you were watching that.” 

seungmin lets out a noise of _something_ and pinches hyunjin’s cheek in embarrassment. 

“you’re cute.” hyunjin continues, and seungmin wants to cover his ears. 

whenever hyunjin compliments him, it makes him flush red and even though he’s heard it way too many times, being called _cute_ makes his ears _especially_ hot. 

“ _shut up_.” seungmin whines, because his heart feels like it’s about to burst right out of his ribcage. 

“you’re cute,” hyunjin repeats, nudging seungmin’s side. “you’re cute when your eyes go wide whenever you get surprised. you’re cute when your mouth drops open when you see something cool. you’re the absolute _cutest_ when we’re cuddling and you act like you don’t want to hug me.” 

by now, hyunjin has pushed him until he’s laying on the couch instead of sitting on it, and he’s hovering over him. 

_this is not good for my heart_ , seungmin concludes at the sight of hyunjin smirking and whispering the worst things in his ear. 

“ _stop_.” seungmin continues to groan and he has to cover his eyes so he can quit blushing. the heat rising in his cheeks and to his ears feel endless. 

their hands are still together, and hyunjin shakes it slightly, catching seungmin’s attention. 

“what?” 

“can i kiss you?” 

“ _what_?” seungmin chokes back out. 

his heart is definitely going to fall out of his ass or something. 

it’s beating like crazy and he might actually go into cardiac arrest. hyunjin doesn’t seem bothered, still smiling and looking at seungmin like he’s god and it really - _really_ hurts. 

hyunjin waits, eyes patient and bright. 

although he had been thinking about a billion and one things related to kissing earlier in the shower, having the topic actually be brought up causes him to short circuit and now seungmin’s mind is blank. 

their hands get pulled towards hyunjin’s face and seungmin is reminded of when he was eighteen, having melted into a puddle of nothing when his then best friend had kissed the back of his hand for the first time. 

now, hyunjin _always_ does it, but that doesn’t stop seungmin from crying internally at the tenderness of it all every single time. 

“okay…” seungmin agrees, after much consideration (sike, he still hasn’t processed it) and almost lets out a scream when hyunjin readjusts their position. 

with one arm alone. 

you see, seungmin is what people would call ‘calm and collected’. it’s not a lie but sometimes, _someone_ can make that side of him disappear. 

all hyunjin did was hold him by the waist and shift him onto his lap. 

seungmin’s brain works again after that, although all that’s inside it is ‘ _god he’s hot_ ’ repeated like, a hundred times. 

back to the reality of the situation though. 

he’s on hyunjin’s lap, and they’re going to kiss.

 _shit_. 

they’re also still holding hands and that provides seungmin with a sense of comfort - as it always does. 

“you know,” hyunjin says, thumb rubbing relaxing circles around seungmin’s hand. “i was going to make our first kiss super special - there was gonna be fireworks and a whole bunch of stuff.” 

that manages to calm him down too as he starts laughing. 

“but i think this is better.” hyunjin admits and the confident smirk is gone, replaced by a shy smile. 

“i think so too.” seungmin breathes out, completely taken by how beautiful his boyfriend is. 

hyunjin is everything. 

seungmin is twenty when it finally sinks in that he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with hyunjin. 

“can i kiss you?” he asks again, exactly like a gentleman and it causes seungmin to giggle. 

“yeah.” 

as soon as their lips touch, he can’t help but sigh. 

it’s everything he could’ve dreamt of and _more_. 

the first time, it lasts for no longer than a second and has seungmin chasing after hyunjin’s lips. 

the second time, hyunjin has his hand wrapped around the back of his neck and guides him perfectly while seungmin clutches desperately to both his other hand and his shoulder. 

he’s so happy, seungmin accidentally smiles into the kiss and that causes hyunjin to smile too. soon enough, their teeth are clashing as they can’t keep the silly grins off their faces. 

_soft_. 

hyunjin’s lips are soft, his touch is soft, hyunjin is just _soft_. 

the third time, hyunjin continously ruffles his hair and seungmin finds himself whining. seungmin opens his eyes at the noise he makes and flushes when he sees how hyunjin is already staring at him. 

“cute.” he whispers, directly into his ear and seungmin shivers. 

by the time they get sleepy, seungmin is certain his neck is going to ache with the amount of marks there are and he’s also certain hyunjin’s lips are puffier than usual. 

that makes him feel a little proud, honestly. 

when they’ve washed up and seungmin has splashed cold water on his face more times than he can count, they immediately move closer to one another under the covers. 

routine. 

hyunjin cups his cheek, presses a chaste kiss to his lips and wishes him goodnight, all the while looking like a shining star. 

seungmin grabs his hand - the one on his cheek, intertwines their fingers again and kisses the back of it.

“goodnight.” he grins at the blush on hyunjin’s face apparent despite the darkness. 

seungmin is twenty when he gets his first kiss, his second kiss, and the many kisses after. 

seungmin is twenty when he realizes he could kiss hyunjin for hours. 

and he is twenty when he realizes he wants to tell the world how much he loves his boyfriend. but decides to save it for another time. 

for now, seungmin is twenty and has gone through hell and back with his best friend turned boyfriend. seungmin is twenty and he’s _content_.

* * *

**_plus one_**.  
seungmin is twenty five when his boyfriend initiates hand holding for the first time ever. 

it may have been weird - how hyunjin was never the one asking for seungmin’s hand, but they never brought it up.

they were both fine with the routine they had anyway. and hyunjin would initiate other things, so it’s not like seungmin’s the only one leading their relationship. 

so when hyunjin brings him out for an extravagant dinner days before christmas, seungmin remembers its their anniversary. 

the smile on his face which had appeared soon after hyunjin picked him up from work never dropped, even as they’re currently walking along the beach as the last part of their celebration.

although seungmin rarely lets hyunjin plan dates and trips, he makes an exception when it comes to their anniversary. 

because while he may not like having to sit through a potential disaster, every anniversary has made seungmin feel like the happiest person alive.

last year, hyunjn had surprised him with a trip to the maldives and he had even gone as far as to convince his boss to let him take a _week_ off. 

how he managed to do that was a big mystery, though it’s no secret kim woojin greatly favours seungmin as an employee. 

(he’ll never say that out loud to anybody, since he doesn’t have a death wish.) 

even though seungmin could plan a better and less packed holiday, it still made him feel extremely loved and he was reminded of just how much he loves hyunjin. 

it’s a lot. 

anyway, they’re walking along the beach, hyunjin’s car parked just along the road because it’s 10pm and nobody goes to the beach at his hour, according to him. 

the stars, while not as bright as they can be due to the light pollution, shine. the moon is hanging overcast the sea and the waves provide seungmin with a sense of peace.

he’s not the one who was a top swimmer (and soccer player, and basketball player - the list goes on) in their teenage years but seungmin can still appreciate how calming and serene the ocean is. 

seungmin makes a note in his mind to come back here in the day, because the water would be gorgeous sparkling under the sun. 

and hyunjin would look right at home in the water. 

“what are you grinning to yourself about, love?” 

he turns to face hyunjin, who smiles when he manages to catch seungmin’s attention again.

that’s cute. 

the pet name is _also_ cute, as embarrassing as it may be even until now. 

he’ll never get used to it. 

“just thinking about how much i wanna take a picture of you when the sun is up and you’re in the water.” seungmin responds with exactly what was on his mind. “also, stop calling me that - you’re embarrassing.” 

hyunjin laughs - loud and carefree into the night and the sound gets carried away by the waves. 

“one day you’ll be able to handle my affection - don’t worry darling.” hyunjin smirks, though it’s less annoying and more pleased with himself so seungmin lets him off. 

“whatever, so what else do you have planned, _babe_?” 

saying it makes him choke, regardless of cool he was trying to be and they end up in a fit of giggles on the sand as hyunjin pulls him down. 

“you’re terrible at this, seungmin.” he laughs, clapping. 

the sight of hyunjin sitting on the sand, clapping and laughing his heart out makes seungmin _so_ happy the warm feeling that grows in his heart makes fun of him for being such a sap. 

he dusts off the sand as he stands, raising a brow at hyunjin when he doesn’t do the same. 

except something clicks in his head when seungmin realizes the way hyunjin is _kneeling_. 

his breath hitches and a part of him is trying to convince him that hyunjin is just going through the process of standing up. 

kneeling on one knee is _not_ an indication of anything and he shouldn’t get his hopes up.

it works - his mind brainwashes him for a good second until hyunjin is reaching for seungmin’s hand. 

he slowly uncurls his fingers, and smiles softly up at seungmin when he intertwines them with his. 

seungmin might faint at any moment now. 

like everything is playing in slow motion, hyunjin brings their hands closer to his face and here comes the classic move. 

_or not_ , as hyunjin reaches into his jacket pocket instead. 

there is no fucking way. 

his brain is in chaos, now that the reality is kind of sinking in and there’s a lot of screaming in his mind as he stays completely still.

expression probably unreadable, seungmin continues to process whatever’s happening in front of him. 

then, with one hand like he had been goddamn practicing, hyunjin opens the cover of the tiny fucking box with one flick and seungmin is going to _cry_. 

he lets go of his hand, and holds it gently instead. 

the ring is not worth millions, there is no diamond, but seungmin is on the verge of collapsing anyway. 

it fits perfectly on his ring finger and seungmin wonders when and _how_ hyunjin got his size down. 

after it’s on, seungmin’s brain is still not working (that happens way too often when he’s around and overwhelmed by hyunjin) but that doesn’t deter hyunjin from sealing the deal by kissing his hand. 

routine, though not really because they don’t usually propose to each other every time they hold hands. 

“will you marry me?” hyunjin looks up at him and while the light is minimal where they are, seungmin sees the way he’s glowing and he’s reminded of the first time he realized his crush on his best friend. 

as seungmin thinks of what to say, how to phrase his words, hyunjin continues. 

which makes him snort. 

of course hyunjin wasn’t just going to let seungmin stand there and panic on his own. 

“but if you don’t want to yet - ever, it’s fine,” hyunjin smiles, sincere and so terribly _hyunjin_. “i don’t want to pressure you into anything - marriage is a lot, so take your time to think through it, seungmin.” 

he kisses his hand, and then the ring again before standing up and the way hyunjin had been ready, had _known_ seungmin wouldn’t answer immediately makes him want to tear up. 

hyunjin, hyunjin, hyunjin. 

his mind is swarmed with love, affection, admiration - the list can go on and _on_ , for his boyfriend because hyunjin is perfect and _everything_. 

the ring’s presence is strong, and seungmin stares at it and makes up his mind in an instant. 

“hyunjin,” he calls out to the man who’s strolling alongside the sea at a pace seungmin knows is to make sure he can catch up. 

“ _i do_.” 

seungmin is twenty five when he watches hyunjin burst into tears and run into his already open arms. 

seungmin is twenty five when he gets kissed on a beach, with the moon watching over them. 

and seungmin is twenty five when he holds hyunjin’s hand, thanking him repeatedly for everything.

seungmin is twenty six, when he walks down the aisle together with his husband and he is twenty six when he gets kissed on the back of his hand instead of on the lips after their vows. 

seungmin is twenty six when he laughs at his wedding and kisses hyunjin on the mouth and hugs him so tight until they’re both giddy and breathless. 

seungmin is twenty six and decides he knows for certain what love is. 

(surprise - it’s hwang hyunjin.)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and i hope u have a great day!! i quite like this one uwu
> 
> [twt](http://twitter.com/owoaus)  
> [cc](http://curiouscat.me/owoaus) (feel free to leave a prompt!)
> 
> also day6 first win yeehaW!


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